remembering

{A quick note: We'll be at The Odyssey Bookshop in South Hadley, MA tomorrow at 3pm, for a reading and to be a part of their Crafternoon. I'm looking forward to seeing some of you there!}

Yesterday, I took a solo drive up the coast to visit a very special lady. I wanted to visit with her, and to hand-deliver a copy of my book to her - she, being my very first reader. The one who wrote me letters each week of my childhood (I always wrote back), the one who always told me I was a writer. I never really believed her, but I also never stopped writing to her. I'm so grateful for that - and so very much more, of course. She's given me so much. So yesterday, I went to see her, and being the way that Alzheimer's goes, she didn't know who I was. Insisted, in fact, that she did not know me. That's okay, I said. I know who you are, I said with as much strength and joy as I could, barely holding back my tears. After a half an hour of this struggle, I spied an old photo album out of the corner of my eye. Ah, yes. The rest of our afternoon together was spent there in those pages of photographs from the 1930's. She may not have known my name or anyone else from her shorter term memory, but she could tell me the name of everyone in that album - old boyfriends, schoolmates of hers, homes and cars and vacations (how amazing our minds are). And when she stumbled on the names, or when the stories got all jumbled up, as they all inevitably did, I finished them for her. Because I remember. This is what we did - on hot summer days at her farmhouse on the hill when it was just the two of us - open the trunk of albums and turn page by page as she told the story of each photograph and I begged for more. Yesterday, I told her some of those stories, as best as I could remember them. The story of being in beauty school in Boston and all the fun she had dancing with the Navy boys when they came into Port. The story of her handsome husband and how they met. The story of her sisters, her mother, her daughters and their loves and their losses. She was always the family memory keeper and storyteller - the one documenting it all in words and photographs. I've always loved them, but I don't know that I've ever felt so grateful for those photographs of hers as I did yesterday. At first, they were just a familiar comfort for she and I both as we struggled to have a conversation. But then, they took us both back - she, perhaps to the time of the photograph itself, and I, to her telling of the stories that meant so very much to me. There in those pages yesterday, I am sure we understood each other.

Comments

[shanna murray]

it seems that torch of family story teller may have been passed to you, amanda. i too, have always loved those old stories my grandparents would tell. more than i can really express here. but you did so perfectly. thank you.

hugs to you,
s

[Heather, whatchabuildin]

Beautiful memories. This coming Monday is the birthday of my "special lady" who died twelve years ago at the age of 92. I would elaborate but tears would start....but she did teach me to crochet, sew, play parcheesi, make comfits, read, make butterscotch pie, embroidery...it goes on. She was -and still is- a major force in my life.

Thanks for sharing this special moment.
See you tomorrow!

[martha]

How wonderful for you to hear those stories and equally as wonderful that she remembers them.
Bittersweet.
xo

[Diane]

Oh Amanda, you just made me cry. In a lovely way of course. Such a beautiful post.
This so touching and I can't think of anything else to say. Just beautiful...

[jean]

oh amanda.

[bellablue]

I could barely finish reading that through the tears in my eyes. What a beautiful moment. xox.

[Crystal]

I miss my 'special lady' everyday. She has been gone two years now.

You post is beautiful, and touching, and wonderful. How sweet our memories are... How tight the strings of our stories binding us together.

[melody]

Oh- hugs to you... my grandfather had Alzheimer's and it's such a sad thing to deal with. Interestingly, he always remembered my oldest daughter, even when he was really out of it. She would walk in the room and even though he had no idea who the rest of us were, he would start singing her name to her. I loved that.

[Sara]

What a sweet reminder of how precious memories are.

Many blessings to you and your family.

[elliebelle]

What a wonderful story. My grandma also had Alzheimer's but luckily never got to the point when she didn't remember us. We of course had to remind her which grandchild we were - she often mixed up our names. But oh, how wonderful for you two to go through the photo album and hear the stories. A very touching story, Amanda. Thank you.

[LK]

How very dear. I'm so glad you were there for her yesterday, and she for you all of your life!

[Lisa L.]

So beautiful Amanada - I'm thankful you had such a visit.

[jessica]

i was really touched by your post today. writing to her grandchild every week? what a wonderful, wonderful thing to do.

my special lady (who was not my birth grandmother) taught me about tatting, sewing, bird-watching, pulling taffy, growing the biggest, sweetest, largest patch of raspberries around and then sharing them with everyone you know, growing dinner plate size dahlias and how important a walk in the woods is on any day you can manage it.

i'm crying now thinking of her and the beauty she brought. thank you for reminding me of her through your own love story.

[melmo]

very powerful and intimate. thank you for sharing. it inspires me to continue on in documenting these precious moments in our lives, and breathing in slowly each and every moment, good and bad.

[Stacey]

Thank you for the post. My mother also has Alzheimer's and I do not always deal with it so gracefully, so thank you for the reminder of patience and kindness and focusing on what is remembered.

[Melanie J.]

Thank you so much for reminding me of a project I need to start...my dad used to tell me stories about LaLaLo and Calico and Dusty and Midnight, 2 kittycats and 2 horses who lived on a farm together. I lost Dad almost a year ago, and when he was fading, I promised him my children would know those stories. Now that we're starting to try for kids, it's about time I start creating stories with those characters.

[Tere]

I'm sure you absolutely made her day. It must be so incredibly difficult to not have her remember who you are. Treasure the memories you have, and she will always be with you :)

[Hege]

what a beautiful post!!

[Paula]

My Grandmother died just over a year ago and I hadn't seen her for several months because she lived across the water and being pregnant and really sick with it I didn't manage to get there. She was 94 when she died and when I saw her she always had great stories to tell about her life in domestic service when she was young. She was beginning to get confused about who we all were - my son would have been her 27th great grandchild - but like your lady remembered all the stories of when she was young. I just wish I could have seen her one last time and feel terrible guilt that I didn't but your post has helped me remember her great stories. Thank you.

[Carrie]

Thank you so much. I needed this cry. My grandma passed away 5 years ago and wasn't much of a "family lady". She was a business woman, but was raised by the sweetest mother, whom we called "Ghee". Ghee tore old coats, boiled and dyed them to make hooked rugs, did embroidery, and made the best rootbeer floats a kindergartner ever enjoyed. If I had only been a little older to sit next to her with thread and a needle.
Thanks for reminding us all of those special people.

[luckybeans]

My 90 year old grandfather used to think I was his wife when I visited him. There was such a sweetness in sharing his memories with him; and I was deeply grateful to my grandmother that I knew their stories, and I could wander with him wherever he went. One of the only times he was clear and lucid was when he sang with the children. Stone deaf, and I'd never heard him sing in my life, but when my two tiny girls crawled onto his bed, he would belt it out along with them.

I wish for my children their own relationships with their elders. There are no better treasures.

[Kirsty]

Just an absolutely beautiful post Amanda. Thank you for the deepest depths of my Grandma loving heart. She was right...you are a writer.

[Sarah Jackson]

Oh Amanda. You've made me tear up. My Grandma is traveling down that same shadowy path. We can only truly reach her by reaching back to the old stories as well. My heart goes out to you and your family. Your willingness to be who she needs you to be to her is really inspiring.

[Anna Willett]

i just lost my grandmother in january. she took the same tough journey - alzheimers is one of the most cruel diseases. i am praying for you to have strength and courage. savor every moment. love to you and your grandma!

[eni]

now i have tears in my eyes...thanks for writing this down...you are a great writer...and i think an amazing woman...like the woman you met yesterday!!

hugs to you!!!

liebgruss
eni
(sorry for my english;)

[Penny in VT]

Sending you a hug Amanda - and noting that it is *your* book that will help create many great memories within families...

[Poopsy]

That was touching. Thank you for sharing that.

[celeste smith]

that was incredibly touching. really you described what scrapbooking (my hobby) is all about. thanks.

[Melissa]

I have chills, and tears in my eyes. Thank you for this very touching story that hits close to home.

[tiffanie]

It's posts like these that draw me to you

[Christi]

Oh Amanda, how I identify with this.

What a precious visit!

[Jen]

A very touching post. Amazing how many of us have those special storyteller/storykeeper grandmas...and too many that have been lost to Alzheimer's. My Grandma passed in the early 90's. She recognized our faces as family for quite a long time and that was a gift. When she forgot our names, she would just refer to us as beautiful or sweetheart, as she always had. Even in the scary and dark place that I imagine Alzheimer's to be, she retained her sweet disposition- forever complimenting us and referring to us with special terms of endearment. Your post brought back memories- some hard like visiting near the end of her journey with this illness. And others...wonderful...like recalling the kittens-go-town stories she used to tell us or the ginger ale, pound cake, strawberries and whipped cream on a tray in bed when we were under the weather.
I'm glad you had a chance to connect with your special lady and relive some of the good memories.
Jen

[Natalie]

The world is a better place. Thank you.

[Cathy]

That was beautiful and reminded me of the relationship I had with my Gram. You have such a way with words, thank you for sharing that with us.

[Pat]

Hello,
I am a reader of your blog. Thought I would share a memory too. My Mom had Alzheimers. She has been gone for several years. Our Church is affiliated with a nursing home in town. We take names of residents and buy them a Christmas gift each year. Some people just take the gift over and some of us visit with our new friend. This year I took my gift over and found out that my "lady" had Alzheimer's disease. I took her some body lotion and a Chinese type carryout box of tiny homemade cookies. The cookies were wrapped in a shiny colored foil. She paid no attention to the gifts...only the paper. I noticed this, so I dumped the cookies out and she took the shiny paper in her hands and rubbed it against her face. She had been in a sad mood when I walked in and sort of ignored me, but when she held that paper her face broke out in a huge smile. I talked to her and she just felt the paper. She was so like my Mother...that it was easy for me to visit with her. I think that it was a Christmas gift from God...I got to visit with my Mom again.

[The Simple Family]

I feel for you...my grandpa had Alzheimers. I remember going to visit him and he'd not know who I was, though he could sing every christmas carol out there.

Do know that these visits do mean a lot to them, even when it is hard for you to go. We may not know how it all works, but I can promise you that, deep down, in there, she knows who you are and is thankful.

[Rachael]

very lovely, thank you for always finding a way to be grateful. kisses

[camerashymomma]

this is very moving. it always gets me how the cycle goes childhood adulthood childhood. it's so very circular as we grow into life and learn to care for those who cared for us. it sounds like a very memorable day.

[shel]

you are so blessed to have those memories and to be able to pass them on. i grew up in a don't ask don't tell house and the stories are gone forever, i never learned to ask. peace.

[kate]

my grandmothers both died in august last year, and i was just thinking yesterday that this is the first spring of my life that i won't get to share with them. indeed it's the first spring in over 90 years for which they weren't here on earth. thanks for this post which helped me to grieve for them, as the finger pointing to the faces in the photo album could have been either one of theirs.

[Carrie]

That disease is certainly a horror,we went through it too,as many other of your readers have...it's hard to be strong through it,beautifully written....

[stephanie s]

i am sure you have thought of this already? might your third book be your grandmother's biography? the best stories of real people are not of the famous or rich, but of people just like your grandmother, told by someone who loves them like you do... you would write it beautifully.

[Ellen]

My grandma suffered from Alzheimer's for 7 years before she died at the age of 101. Throughout those last years, her memory may have been faded, but her soul remained the same. She was as beautiful and loving as ever. Thank you for such a lovely post, and for giving me the unexpected opportunity to remember my dear grandma as I read it.

[little_lj]

Oh amanda,

Through silent tears I write this, after reading both your poignant story and the others from fellow commenters. My great-grandma, who died six years ago, also suffered from alzheimers. and we too would connect with her through her memories, and our memories of the stories she had told many times before.

Thank you for handling this subject with such respect and sensitivity.

[stacey]

i think i should go call my grandma.

[Annie]

What a touching story. I think that for many family members dealing with a loved one with Alzheimer's it is just too hard to get past the not remembering the present to spend time remembering the distant past together. I think it was somewhat that way with my dad and his mother when her Alzheimer's was really advanced. Thanks for sharing this with us.

[Tina]

Thank you for sharing your special lady with us. She sounds wonderful. As a scrapbooker, the idea that in 50 years, I (and my family) will still be gaining comfort from the pictures I put in my albums today is a lovely thought.

[jessie earth momma]

I'm typing through tears. You are brave. And very loving.

[Melanie]

My great grandmother, whom I believe to be one of the bravest, strongest, most beautiful--inside and out--women to ever live, passed away in the early 90s at the age of 93. She, too, had Alzheimer's disease at the very end of her life. I was only about sixteen when she died. I wish I were older, then, and I would have asked her more questions about her life. I am fortunate, though, I now have my two great aunts (two of my great grandmother's daughters) to tell me about my great grandmother's life and stories about their lives with her. She was truly a survivor. She raised five chidren by herself during the Depression by running two boarding houses all by herself. She did everything from cooking the boarder's meals three times a day, to washing their clothes, and cleaning their rooms, etc. I am told by my aunts that she never complained a day in her life! She truly amazes me. I wish I would have had more one on one time with her, so that I could have heard her tell me all those stories herself.

Your telling us about your story and your experience is a true blessing. It reminds us to remember how precious life is, and to not take any of our time here on Earth for granted. Have you heard the country music song by Kenny Chesney, "Don't Blink"? It makes me cry every time I hear it.

[Tameson O'Brien]

My Maternal Grandmother died of Alzheimer's at 70. She was robbed. She was robbed of her retirement (she was diagnosed in her early 50s). I'm still bitter about it. Right up to the end though she remembered music, even though she forgot how to swallow, she would sing along with old records from the 20s and 30s just as if she had all her faculties. She was a happy Alzheimer's case - I know many that aren't, and she would just giggle and sing. My paternal Grandmother, now in her 80s has just been diagnosed. I don't feel so bad about it though becuase she did have an outstanding retirement and has had a full life. I hope she has a happy time of it like my other Grammy. It makes it a little easier.