I walked in the small hours of the morning with the littlest of Soules cradled in my arms. John Lennon had been beckoned by Pandora to sing softly and my thoughts drifted, between life and loss, as my thoughts do in the quiet hours of a day. I held tight and he held back as each step wore gently into the wood floor. As we circled I remembered a dream that I had before his birth.
I dreamt I was at the beach surrounded by children that I did not know. It was sunny and warm and the kids were smiling and looking at me as I taught them to play a game. I was talking and moving but I had no control over my actions. This all seemed quite normal to dream me. The children caught on quickly and began adding pieces and twists to the game that delighted them. As they ran down the beach laughing in brilliant sun splashed haze, dream me stood still, captivated and smiling.
The waves closed out. The dream was over.
As Harper slept lightly against my chest, I felt a similar calm to the one I experienced after that dream. I've been down this way before. I knew enough this time around to realize that I wouldn't truly be ready for his arrival. So, I was ready to not be ready. I knew we'd love him and eventually it would be as if he'd always been here. Still...to sit and watch him unfold.
To be touched so deeply by a hand so light.