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I am thrilled to share with you the series of guest posts appearing here in the month of June, as I take a little extra time to settle in and soak up my family and the new life among us. "Soulful Mothering" is a series of written words, photographs, craft projects and thoughts on mothering from some of my favorite ladies on the web. I'm so grateful to each of them for sharing their time with me, and their hearts and words in this space. I have been inspired by the gifts they've shared, and I'm sure you will too. Enjoy!
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I sat in the hospital room and cried. Mixed with overwhelming awe at this tiny life suddenly made visible and holdable, came such an emotionally exhausting challenge. I could not get my baby to breastfeed. With each change of shifts, a new nurse would enter my room with a completely different way of doing things--football hold, cradle hold, let her sleep at your breast, never let her fall asleep.
I grew weary as I waded through unknown, uncharted waters and had no idea which path I should travel down. Who I should trust. Which advice I should heed. Everyone had a different approach.
A few days later when we finally settled back into our home, tired and tearful, I called my mom.
"Trust yourself." she told me. "You'll know what's best."
Those words washed over me with a sigh of relief. It was as if she breathed a small breath of mothering wisdom into my soul.
I have carried those words with me as I have travelled down this road of mothering.
Today, older, hopefully wiser and four little girls later I feel as though I am becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin. I'm learning to trust myself and that voice in my head.
I cling to those words that my mother spoke to me more than nine years ago.
….standing in a doctor's office, with a sick little girl, knowing he was blowing off something I knew to be more serious.
I listened to that voice.
…when she wanted to quit, but I knew she'd regret it and pushed her to keep trying….
I listened to that voice.
…when everyone I knew was sending their children off to school, but it felt right for us to do so at home….
I listened to that voice.
I hear that voice all day long. From little things like decisions to forgo a nap for a swim in the pool, to how we eat, how I teach them, how I respond to their tears, or how many animals we add to our little farm, I am learning more and more to trust myself.
This is not to say that I move through my days awash in confidence and mothering grace. I blow it. I regroup. I change my approach.
There is so much information available to me, to us, about how to mother. So many approaches and philosophies. And so many of them sound right and healthy. If I'm not careful, I find myself questioning the path that I've taken, thinking that perhaps, all along, it was the wrong path and that there's another one that's smoother and easier and has better scenery.
It is in those moments when my own voice is hard to hear. When it is but a whisper.
I still have so much to learn. I see my grandmother in the way I move about my kitchen. I see my mother in the way I rally my girls for chores or carry a baby on my hip out to the garden to snip spinach.
I take wisdom from a phone call with a friend. I scribble a few lines in my journal from a book by Wendell Berry. I tack a Bible verse on my bathroom mirror.
These are the things that strengthen my voice. They are the things that remind me listen to my mothering soul. There is freedom when I learn to trust. Peace in letting things go. And joy to be found in finding your path.
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Molly Balint lives with her husband and four little girls on several acres in rural Maryland. Her house is a sea of endless projects and her yard is overrun with barn cats and teenaged Rhode Island Reds. Just last weekend the log pile was split, the onions were weeded and a stall was built for a coming surprise. She chronicles her days on her blog, MommyCoddle and is co-creator of the photography + words project habit.
