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I am thrilled to share with you the series of guest posts appearing here in the first weeks of June, as I take a little extra time to settle in and soak up my family and the new life among us. "Soulful Mothering" is a series of written words, photographs, craft projects and thoughts on mothering from some of my favorite ladies on the web. I'm so grateful to each of them for sharing their time with me, and their hearts and words in this space. I have been inspired by the gifts they've shared, and I'm sure you will too. Enjoy!
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I used to be the sort of person who knew what was in every drawer in my house. I could also walk into a room and immediately tell if something had been removed, or even simply moved. My floors were always immaculate, my furniture always dusted. I kept a place for everything and kept everything in its place. And then, just over 6 short months ago, I became a mother for the very first time. Parallel with that fabulous gift came another unexpected one, which I was considerably slower to embrace. Partnered up with becoming a mama came learning to let go. Not just of keeping a spotless house. That was the first attachment to relinquish. I learned to let go of everything.
Along with being a "neat nick" (way better euphemism than neat "freak", no?), I've also been a schedule queen. I've long been one to plan, plan, plan as though there's definitely going to be a tomorrow and I've got it all arranged and ordered, you see? Well, that all went out the window when I became a mom. Before it, even, when pregnancy literally knocked me off my feet and into my bed, where I spent hours and hours (Countless! Precious! Hours! Hours when I could have been doing stuff! And organizing things!) sleeping. And then carpal tunnel set in, and I could barely use my hands. And then I developed preeclampsia, and lost the prospect of a home birth. And then I ended up in the hospital, for 4 days, with a twisted ovary, which had to be removed, after giving birth to my precious wee one.
And, as it turned out, that was all fine. It was fine because it had to be fine. Before Huxley's birth, my friend Jen, another new mama, said to me "You're given the birth you are meant to have, for your growth." Little did I know that the birth I would be given would involve hospitalization and anesthesia, but, boy, am I ever thankful it did. I had to let go. I had to state my preferences and desired outcome (a healthy baby and healthy mama), and then let go of all attachments to how that might ultimately manifest. I was given the birth I was given, for my growth.
So, now I might only get around to moping the floor every week (or two!). My spring garden consists of peas, and only peas (and, thankfully, many, many perennial herbs). I couldn't cloth diaper right away because Huxley was only 5 pounds, 5 ounces when he first came home and I couldn't find any cloth diapers that small. I had problems nursing because of the twisted ovary (I also hemorrhaged, but that's a whole other story). I had to let go of my attachments to those pursuits (they resurfaced, in due time, and we now happily nurse and cloth diaper all the day long!), at least for the time being.
Becoming a mom forced me to become so entirely tethered to this present moment. To the right now, the right here. Because that, friends, is truly all we have. We have this moment. We have no promise of others, so we must enjoy and delight and love and be enveloped in this very second. Letting go of my fastidiousness tidiness and scrupulous organizing in turn offered me a freedom I'd never before known. I'm free now to love and live on my own terms. I feel grounded and secure and strong and confident as a mother in a way I'd never previously experienced.
So there's dirt on the floor (it's good for him anyways, right? ;^) ). So there were no seeds started indoors this year, and I bought starts from farming friends. So there are weeds in the garden and bills paid online last minute and many other things that fall through the cracks. That's alright. I've stepped into the river, and allowed the life force, the wonderous current, to pull me along, As a mother, I've learned to just enjoy the journey and trust that the destination is exactly where I should end up. I've learned to love letting go.
Images are shared with thanks to Rene Treece Photography.
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Ashley English is the author of the "Homemade Living" (Lark Books) book series, which showcases topics related to sustainable small-scale homesteading. Ashley, her husband and their young son Huxley, along with a menagerie of chickens, dogs, cats, and bees live in Candler, NC, where they are converting their land into a thriving homestead. You can find her detailing those adventures in homesteading on her blog, small measure. Ashley also has a weekly column, "Small Measures with Ashley", on the popular design blog Design Sponge. Lastly, she hosts a quarterly column, "Homemade Living", in Where Women Cook magazine. When not clicking away on her laptop, working on her property or tending to her animals, Ashley can be found sipping stout beer, feeding her wood stove, whisking something while balancing her son on her hip, or listening to Radiohead (or Billy Idol, depending on the day).
