Ah, it can be a complicated holiday, this one, can't it? Full of expectation and the sometimes resulting disappointment. A reminder of heartbreak and loss. Adoption, miscarriage, infertility, painful mother-daughter relationships. Oh, I see all of that in my family and friends. And in the simplest of ways, I feel it in the self-imposed guilt, pressure and expectation in my role as Mama. We are so very hard on ourselves, every single Mama I know. Trying to do the best we can by our children, by our spouses, honoring ourselves and our sisters, blood and otherwise. It's a hard role to live up to. And full of messy imperfection, always. In the midst of so much beauty and love. And growth. Always, growth.
Over the years, my feelings about this 'holiday' have evolved greatly. This year, I asked for an hour of peace with everyone in the garden, working together. I didn't actually get that, but that's okay too. I did get a lot of time in the garden, I did get time with everyone. I did get ice cream, and a whiskey sour, and breakfast in bed (black tea and toast with jam, please!). I did get handmade cards from a few, hugs from all, and a whole lot of gentleness from the man I married.
And in many ways, it was just like every other day in family life. Full of squabbling and a few too many battles. There may have been a homemade 'sword' revoked and iPhone restrictions handed out too. Surely someone cried (likely two or more), and surely someone yelled (likely that number totaled seven). There were also apologies made, gifts given, and many moments of joy. While working in the garden, I saw three kids ride by on a single bicycle - no helmets, no shoes (breaking all the rules), but definitely sibling love and laughter. I heard what can only be described as true harmony coming from the front porch while dinner was being made. And well, all the messy, hard, beautiful and good stuff that makes up family is what the day was full of. At the end of it all, both exhausted and satisfied, disappointed and overjoyed, I felt as though I do on most days. Overwhelmed by the job of mothering these five people, and simultaneously overjoyed at the very same.
Oh, it isn't easy, this job. But I'm so very grateful that I get to wake up this morning - and again tomorrow - and try my best to do right by them. It's my greatest blessing...and honor.
