(a while ago....)
Well, hello!
Oh, I'm DEEP IN IT, friends! Deep right now both in the very fullness of my todays (which feel oh.so.full.) but also in my yesterdays too. Calvin was away for a long stretch this month since just after the holidays, getting his Wilderness First Responder certification in the White Mountains. I can't begin to tell you what a delight it is to witness the parts and pieces of who he is and who he is becoming, clicking into place as it seems to be doing right now. The college/gap year (?) decision making process is HEATING UP and it's a lot. It's exciting, a bit intense, sometimes stressful, sometimes disappointing, but mostly....it really is exciting. So much to is yet to come! This is such an exciting time of life!
The truth is that my Mama heart is full these days. The college he's leaning towards is a mere three flights followed by a three hour drive away. Gulp. There's also an 18th birthday coming up next week and it has me feeling all the feelings. And, you know what? I'm letting myself feel them. It's been delightful, actually. It seems that more nights than not lately, I find myself sitting by the fire as the evening life of everyone around me swirls about and I ignore the dishes and the laundry and the work that I'm behind on. And there I sit with a box of photographs. Those boxes are not as organized as I'd like, but that kind of works out okay right now too, because I may pick up one photo from my oldest child's birth, followed immediately by one from a year ago with he and a pile of siblings. And I go on that wild ride of remembering. The time, of course, feels like it's gone by in the blink of an eye, but these photographs remind me that there have been SO MANY moments. So many moments. It fills me with bittersweetness to be sure. There have been tears (the kids indulge me while also laughing at me - it's well known around here just how very easily I cry!), and there has been a lot of joy and laughter and storytelling/remembering too. It feels good to sink into these boxes of jumbled photographs and to give myself the time to do just that. Remember, honor, savor, laugh, share....and sometimes cry too.
And that's just one child! There are four more! Each of them have so much growth and excitement going on in their everyday these days. But so much of their stories now feel like they are not mine to share - because they aren't, really at all. They're becoming - and are - their own people. And their stories belong to them. It's very different from the early days of sharing in this space when they were so little. But this journey of motherhood that I'm on - ever shifting and changing as the children themselves are - well that feels like a story that is mine. And I'm so grateful to you for still listening, for reaching out and connecting, and for walking the path alongside me as I know you do - in whatever phase of life and family you may be.
Thanks especially to those of you who have reached out lately to check in - it means a great deal, and I thank you. Know that I'm still here....sitting by the fire with a box of photos both laughing and crying while sibling and farm chaos happens around me in both good and crazy ways....with a brief pause every once in a while to knit a row or two.
(And I wish the same for you!)