(Photo by Erin Little)
A few nights ago, while distributing laundry (oh the laundry!) before bedtime, I walked by the open door of the bathroom where the nightly toothbrushing party was happening, and something caught my eye. It may be that this has been going on for a good long while, but this night was the first time that I noticed it. Ani wasn't using the step stool to reach the sink to brush her teeth - she didn't need it. She simply stood at the sink, easy as pie. In and of itself, and surely to her, this was really no big gig worth drawing attention to. But my breath caught just a little bit and I was silently flooded with....so much.
The thing is, I actually hate that stool. Truly, I've spent more time thinking about the dislike I have for that stool than really is necessary. I should have replaced it long ago simply to save myself from those wasted small moments of dislike whenever it caught my eye. But I'm too stubborn for that - it's far too practical and useful of an object to replace given the relative short period of time I thought I was to live with it (nearly two decades? ha!). It's nothing special this stool, obviously it's really quite ugly. But I've had it for seventeen years now, that not so pretty thing. I remember buying it, a whole other lifetime ago (it feels that way, anyway). I had a precocious almost one year old (oh GOSH was he precocious!), who wanted to climb, climb, climb and do everything himself and never sleep. Never, ever sleep. (And only sleep in the sling. While I was bouncing on a yoga ball.) I was relatively young, twenty three, and I don't know who spent more time crying in those early days - he or I. Mostly from simultaneous love, and exhaustion. The days were so. very. long. I remember being on a shopping trip with my own Mama (she was so good to me in those especially early days!) and my little guy when I bought that silly fake wood stool at a big box store. We were just starting out as a family, after a bumpy start (losing both of our jobs and needing to relocate when I was seven months pregnant with that young fella of ours put a kink in things, not to mention our youth, and him coming early, and so many other factors), and that step stool fit into my meager budget for things like that. It made my day slightly easier, letting him do his own climbing and teeth brushing. Simple but true. Never could I have guessed I'd be stuck with/blessed by that silly thing for all the years that followed.
Now, of course, that precocious little boy I could barely keep up with in those early years is preparing to move to the other side of the country for college (I still can't keep up with him obviously). And the little sister (with three in between them) that I never could have imagined even existing at the time, is officially too big for using a step stool to brush her teeth. Oh, time!
Last month this ole blog turned fourteen years old. Can you believe that? I can't believe it. Time is doing funny things to me lately and I don't quite have the words to explain it. It's a lot of feeling, mostly. I know I've said that over the past few months here in the periodic times that I do show up to say hello, but it's true. That's where I've been - feeling. And doing it quietly, inwardly. So much has changed since I started this space all those years ago. Our family certainly has. The work that fills my days definitely has. And heck, even the landscape of social media and online connections has changed drastically. I feel like a dinosaur from the age of blogging and isn't that a funny thing?
At the end of this month, the Sponsorship program here on SouleMama will officially come to an end. Twelve years ago, as blogging had become something I was committed to working on and at every day, alongside writing books, I wanted to find a way for it to help support my family with the time I was dedicating to it. I had no model from which to start accepting Sponsorships on the blog - every traditional model I explored felt not quite right for me - too impersonal and not aligned with my values. With the help of the very first two business that I reached out to - Nova Natural and Alewives Fabrics - I crafted the sidebar and giveaway model that has carried us these twelve years. It has been more than a pleasure to get to know each business and the wonderful people behind them, to incorporate their products into my family life and home, and to introduce you to their work. It's been a gift and a blessing in more ways than I can say. But it's time for that to end, and after a few great giveaways over the next week, I'll officially be closing up that end of things here, full of gratitude for all the businesses that I've shared this space with and who have supported me!
In the beginning days, this blog was like a lifeline for this young mom at home with little ones, trying to figure it out. It turned into a creative outlet and a place to discover and practice what I was passionate about. It gave me a space and the confidence to try things out, to pursue various ventures and creative projects. And now? Well now, my life has changed so much from those early years - with other work that fills my days and makes it increasingly difficult for me to blog like I once did. As well, my family stories are far less 'shareable' than the early days of babies and crafting. It's one thing for me to tell you about a sweater that I knit with love for a wee one, or the toolbox we put together for a boy who loved to call himself Purple Working Man. But the trials and tribulations (and even the joys) of older children and teenager life that fill my heart and my time right now - they aren't my stories to share anymore. I find myself with fewer words to share here and even fewer moments to do so.
Through all these years, the greatest pleasure from this space has been you! Truly. Hearing from you through comments and emails, making connections, and then sometimes having the privilege of meeting you in person and getting to really know you - well, it's been one of the greatest joys I've ever experienced. People often ask me if it's strange or irritating to be 'recognized' in public. And I couldn't feel more strongly, no! In fact, it's the most beautiful thing, because of course it's YOU I'm meeting (or one of you at a time, which is even better than a room full of people for sure). And by nature of that, we share something in common - it may not be specifically homeschooling or farming or knitting or even parenting - but it is something - and most often a desire to slow down, pay attention, live deeply and love a lot. Talking with you here, or meeting you out in the world as I've done gives me the sense that somehow we are all connected, and all doing the best we can. (Thank you for helping to reinforce that Pollyanna view of the world. It's good.)
Part of my silence here of late has also been my own uncertainty about what happens next here, if anything at all. I still don't have that answer, and so, I hope you don't mind if I leave that a little bit open-ended for now. And end today and this moment of connection with have with a most giant and heartfelt thank you and I'll see you soon!
all love,
amanda